The relationships we
have with people are projection of the relationship we have with our own
selves. The behaviors we receive from others are the projection of the
behaviors we have with our own selves. It’s very old saying, as long as you
don’t love yourself or respect yourself, you cannot expect the love and respect
from outer world for you. Our external relationships and our internal
relationships are actually reflection of each other and in fact a same relationship.
They only seem different because we look at them through different lenses.
Where all your
relationships do exists? They all exist inside you, in your thoughts. Your
relationship with other person, be it a mother or father, or your sibling, friends,
lover or anyone, all these relationships are just the result of what you
imagine it to be. Now, whether you hate or love a person is your feeling, your
thoughts, but the other person might have some genuine thought or feeling for
you, but understand that your representation of what someone else thinks of you
is also a part of your thoughts. You’re always viewing your relationships
through the lens of your own consciousness. The closest you can get to being
objective is to imagine being objective, but that is in no way the same thing
as true objectivity. That’s because the
act of observation requires a conscious observer, which is subjective by its
very nature.
Well, that’s true;
you can never obtain 100% objective understanding in your relationship, as you
can never escape the subjective lens of your own consciousness. This is like
trying to find a purple color with a red lens permanently taped over your eyes.
Intuitively you may know something is off in your approach to relationships,
but you’ll remain stuck until you realize that every relationship you have with
another person is really a relationship that exists entirely within yourself.
Let me explain in
very simple words, when someone gets angry on you, or his/her action gives some
harmful effect to you unintentionally, you lose your subjective approach
towards the person, (which means, do you ever ask yourself at that time “is
this person can actually harm yourself intentionally”? No. or sometimes yes,
you might think. Fortunately, once you embrace the subjective nature of
relationships, you’ll have a much easier time relating to people. And this is
what we call understanding, When we understand the situation of a person at
that moment when he/she makes some erroneous action, because we are aware of
the characteristics of that person.
The subjective view
of relationships implies that you can change or improve your relationships with
others by working on the internal relationships within yourself, by building an
understanding approach in your conscious mind. Furthermore, you can improve
your internal relationships, such as your self-esteem, by working on your
relationships with others. Ultimately
it’s all the same thing. You relationship with others is interrelated with the
relationship you have with your own conscious self.
I would like to give
you another example on this context.
Suppose a girl and
boy who loves each other unconditionally gets married. The guy likes to be so
organized, whether at professional front or organizing things neatly at home.
And the girl is totally opposite; she is not too organized and keeps the things
unorganized. Now you might conclude we’re incompatible in this area and that we
should try to find ways to reduce the level of conflict. Basically the solution will be some kind of
compromise that seeks to mitigate the symptoms, but the core issue remains
unresolved.
But let’s discover
now what subjective approach says, Subjective approach says that the
relationship of a boy is purely within his own consciousness. The conflict is
projection of just internal conflict. The boy’s desire from the girl to be more
neater and organized means that the boy also needs to be more organized, so
that he can himself organized the things without expecting from the girl to
change herself.
This is now entirely
different definition to the problem, in this case the solution is; the guy who
is having problem with unorganized things needs to improve his own standards
for neatness and order. That’s absolutely different solution that the solution
we could get from objective model.
And that’s
fascinating but true, if you’ll really start working on improving yourself,
you’ll see the other person himself begin to adapt the qualities you expect
from him/her. You can try this anytime. I encourage you to experiment to see
how your external relationships reflect your internal ones. Try this simple exercise: Make a list of all the things that bother you
about other people, now re-read that list as if it applies to you. If you’re honest you’ll have to admit that
all of your complaints about others are really complaints about yourself. For example, if you dislike your boss at
office for being so much aggressive and overly dominating, are you very soft
spoken with your juniors at office or with others? If not, then start improving
yourself there and you’ll suddenly notice dramatic improvements in your boss.
The true value of
human relationships is that they serve as pointers to unconditional love. According to the subjective model, when you
forgive, accept, and love all parts of yourself, you will forgive, accept, and
love all other human beings as they are.
The more you improve your internal relationships between your thoughts,
beliefs, and intentions, the more loving and harmonious your human relationships
will become. Hold unconditional love in
your consciousness, and you’ll see it reflected in your reality.
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